Introduction
When I was selling meth, I had a very convenient way of looking at it. I wasn't making anybody buy drugs. They wanted them. I had them. And in my mind, I was just giving people what they wanted. What I never really thought about was what happened after I walked away. I didn't see the parents who stopped sleeping. I didn't see the families getting pushed away. And I didn't see the isolation or somebody slowly disappearing in front of the people who loved them. I understood what drugs were doing to me. But what I didn't understand was what was selling them was doing to other people. Prison forced me to look at my part in that differently. So today I want you to hear the other side of that transaction from somebody who actually lived it.
The Interview
Brad: Caitlyn, take me back to the beginning. How old were you when drugs first became part of your life? And how did that eventually lead you to meth?
Caitlyn: Whenever I was 14, I started using benzo and smoking weed and I got really hooked on the benzos and my parents sent me away to a therapeutic wilderness camp in Utah. I came home after that and it didn't seem to work. And that's when I really started getting into harder drugs. And then I started getting into meth.
Brad: Once myth entered the picture, where did it take you? Who are you hanging around with? And what kind of trouble were you getting into?
Caitlyn: And, that was really my downfall. Um, I started hanging out with scumbags, started getting in a lot of trouble with the law, even more, you know, after I turned 18 and was in and out of jail and that's just not how I was raised. I just completely disappointed my family.
Brad: You eventually went to rehab and stopped using meth for a while. What happened when things started falling apart again?
Caitlyn: So then I tried to go to a rehab in Kentucky. I stopped using meth. Like I was only doing it um off and on for a couple years. And then when it really got bad, you know, my family wouldn't have anything to do with me. They just cut me off. And I was like, gosh damn. You know, I was just in a deep dark hole and I couldn't get out. I was just stuck. I was by myself a lot.
Brad: Then you met somebody who was actually cooking meth. What happened after that?
Caitlyn: I just isolated away from the world. I didn't want anyone to see me. And then I met this guy and um he was a meth cook. And I always told myself, you know, I could never go out in the woods and do that. Like that's just risking my life. It could blow up. You know, I could die. But I did. I went out there with them.
Brad: How bad did your meth use get physically? And what was happening to you?
Caitlyn: I stayed on it consistently for three, four months. I got down to 96bs. And that's when I realized, you know, I'm going to die. If I don't get help, I wouldn't I couldn't look anybody in the eye. I was so thin. All my clothes were falling off of me. You know, I couldn't even fit into it a size zero. I got down to like a size 12 and little kids.
Brad: That part's difficult for me to hear now because when I was selling drugs, I never pictured that. I saw the person standing in front of me with money in their hand. I didn't picture their father watching them waste away. And I didn't picture their mom waiting for a phone call that their kid was dead. I never took the transaction that far in my head. So what finally made you realize that if I don't get help, I'm not going to survive this.
Caitlyn: So my dad found a website and it had a phone number on it and I was like, you know, whatever. I'll just call it.
Brad: When you finally got into treatment, how far gone were you physically and what did it take to start rebuilding yourself?
Caitlyn: So, I called it in this place. Thank God. When I came in here, I was doing my fitness evaluation and I was like, "Oh my gosh." You know, I never thought I would be so out of shape. And I cried and I cried and I cried. Did y'all see? Like, what am I going to do? I'm never going to gain the strength back to be able to get my body in shape. but she's worked with me so hard almost every day that I've been here. Um, I'm back running like two miles a day. Um, I'm doing squats and lifting dumbbells and she's just completely helped me get my whole body back in shape and every bit of it and it feels so good.
Brad: The drugs hadn't just damaged you — they had separated you from your family. What has getting your family me back meant to you?
Caitlyn: Um, my family had completely cut me off before I came here. Um, my dad is amazing. He is my number one fan. Supports me in everything I do. Never has never let me down. Um, and he talks to me. We have great conversation now as well as with my mom. Um my mom's my best friend in the whole entire world and I'm building back those bridges day-by-day and it's amazing cuz my family is very oriented. We all do a lot of stuff together. So for me to be left out of all that and now I can be a part of it again. It feels so good. That's all I've ever wanted back.
Caitlyn, thank you for be willing to tell that story because I know some of it isn't easy to talk about. And for me, this conversation hit differently.
I spent years on the other side of that transaction. I sold meth. And back then, I could tell myself that the people buying it were adults. They knew what they were doing. And I was simply giving them what they already wanted. What I didn't see was everything that came afterward. I didn't see the weight loss. The parents watching their kids disappear, the children losing their mother, the families wondering whether that next phone call was going to be the worst one of their lives.
I can't go back and undo my part in any of this, but I can understand it differently now. I know that no apology can undo what I've done, and no amount of money, words, or intention can fully repair the damage caused. I understand that forgiveness is not something that I'm owed and I don't expect it. I can't give back everything that was taken and even if I could, it would never be enough.
But what I can do is live differently. I can take responsibility for my actions, accept their consequences, and commit myself to a life of decency and accountability. That's the work I'm doing now. And that's one of the reasons I wanted to share Caitlyn's story with you. Because behind every drug case, every indictment, and every prison sentence, there's usually a whole lot more people paying the price than the person whose name is on the paperwork.
Caitlyn, thank you again for trusting us with your story. I'm Brad Aragon. This is the Federal Toolbox. Thank you for listening and I'll see you next time.