In one of my recent videos, I talk about the idea that sometimes God puts people in your path for a reason. Sometimes they're there to show you what to do, sometimes they're there to show you what not to do. And sometimes, you don't even realize how important that person was until much later.
In that video, I talk about a woman from tech support who helped steer me towards the 12-step recovery program after I was released from federal prison. I didn't say her name because that wasn't my story to expose, and I didn't have her permission to make her part of my story publicly, so I protected her identity. I only showed her presence in this graphic. At the time, I don't think either one of us realized how important those conversations were going to become.
Then, after the video came out, she texted me. She thanked me for not using her name, and then she surprised me. She said that she'd be willing to come on the Federal Toolbox and tell the story herself.
Maureen wasn't my therapist, she wasn't my sponsor, she wasn't someone I met in a recovery meeting. She was a senior member of the support team for the client management software that we use at the law firm where I had just started working after being released from federal prison. I called her because I couldn't figure out how to use the system. I was newly released from federal prison, I was still living at the halfway house, and I was trying to learn a new job, learn a new technology, rebuild my life, and not look completely lost while doing it.
And Maureen had the patience of a monk. She worked with me for weeks, walking me through the software, answering the same questions more than once, and helping me catch up after being away from the world for several years. But somewhere in the middle of all that, the conversation changed. I told her the truth. I told her that I just got released from federal prison on a drug case. I told her I was still living at the halfway house, and I told her I was trying to put my life back together.
And instead of judging me, she told me the truth about herself. That conversation helped push me towards something that I resisted for years: the 12 steps, recovery. And the part of recovery that I probably resisted the most — the God part.
So today, I'm honored to bring Maureen onto the Federal Toolbox, not as a character in my story, but as the person who lived her own. This is that conversation.
How Maureen Reacted to the Video
Brad: Maureen, thanks for being here. Let me ask you this: when you saw the video and realized that I was talking about you without saying your name, what was your honest reaction?
Maureen: I really appreciated the anonymity. We like to stay anonymous or not mention the name of the fellowship that we are a part of out of respect for the traditions that we have. And I just really appreciated you protecting my identity until you had my permission. I also really enjoyed your explanation of recovery. It made a lot of sense for those of us who need to make it make sense. That video explained it very, very well.
Brad: Well, now that I have your consent, can you tell the group what your social security number is?
Maureen: No.
[laughter]
The First Conversation About Prison
Brad: Do you remember our first conversation about me getting out of prison the same way I did, and what went through your mind when I randomly disclosed that to you?
Maureen: Well, people either say something to me that's like, "Ah, I now get why we vibed so well. Like, that explains it." Or I will be open about something and it turns out that they're affected by addiction in some way — either they are an addict themselves or they are someone who loves an addict — and it just creates this awesome connection. And it doesn't seem like any time that happens it's by accident. It was one of my favorite moments getting to connect with someone on a call like that and it being through work and totally unintentional. But, you know, that divine order and perfect timing thing — like it was intentional from somewhere, maybe not in our thought process.
Brad: Let me ask you, what made you decide to open up to me about your own addiction just at random when I laid this on you?
Maureen: Well, I like, "Well, if we're going to be sharing here, I might as well because clearly this is one of those moments where I have the opportunity to connect with someone on a deeper level and I just enjoy doing that." I never know where the conversation's going to go, but it always seems divinely inspired when someone shares that stuff with me. For me to just sit there and be like, "Okay, sure. Great, no problem," but not talk about where I'm at and that I completely relate and understand exactly where you're at — like, we don't find that understanding a lot out in the wild. Having that connection with someone is really special, getting to talk to someone on that level through a medium you were not expecting. It's really cool.
The God Part: "Passively Resistant"
Brad: In the video, I said that you were an atheist when you first entered recovery and that you resisted steps two and three. I understand that wasn't quite accurate. Can you correct me on that? You were not really an atheist.
Maureen: Yeah, so for me it wasn't that I didn't believe; it was that I didn't care to try to believe. So, it wasn't that I was like, "There is no God," but more like, "Sure, there might be one, but he sure doesn't care about me." That was kind of my thought process at the time. I didn't know how to get from "Sure, there might be something" to "Yes, there is definitely something."
I just kind of wallowed in a passive state. I was willing to believe that there is, but I didn't do anything with that — no prayer, no meditation. I did foxhole prayers when I was in trouble, but then I was off on my own again. So, I'd say "passively resistant" describes it. I wasn't hating God, but when someone talked about it, I would mentally tune out while nodding along.
Brad: What was it about the "God part" that made you resist it?
Maureen: Honestly, it wasn't so much what my sponsor said that broke through, but rather circumstances that made me willing to engage. I had a half-baked version of God in my life for a long time. I'd been involved in 12-step fellowship since 2013 and sober since then, but only partly engaged with the spiritual aspect. I got half-measures, which availed me little peace or contentment. I had moments where I'd connect but then pull back.
Nothing solid until 2019, when I realized I was showing up in ways I didn't like, sober, and with no excuses except not having a connection with God. My real spiritual journey started at a sweat lodge, which was the first time I truly wanted to engage with God.
The Sweat Lodge and a New Beginning
Brad: You mentioned going to Native American sweat lodges?
Maureen: Yes, that started my connection to God and changed my life for a while. I got a new long-distance sponsor right before COVID, worked my steps, and went through my mom's cancer diagnosis while working my inventory and fifth step. Despite everything going wrong in 2020 on paper, internally I was free and at peace. God prepared me for what was next.
Brad: How did that shift affect your life?
Maureen: I planned to return to nursing school but didn't want to while my mom was sick. Then, I got a job offer in tech support matching exactly my experience. I saw that as a sign from God. That job allowed me to work from my mom's hospital room and home and be more present in her last years. It was amazing.
After Her Mom's Passing
Brad: After your mom's passing, you struggled spiritually?
Maureen: Yes, I got bitter and angry, shutting God out. I had waves and valleys in my spiritual life, but eventually moved from sweat lodge spirituality to church, something I thought I'd never do. Through my recovery lens, I was able to relate to church teachings better, leading eventually to my baptism.
Brad: Was your acceptance of the God part immediate or gradual?
Maureen: Both. Everything changed once I accepted God as part of my life. My husband's sponsor said the rooms are a babysitter until you find a higher power you can do business with. I found that to be true. Even without meetings during the pandemic, having God was key. I saw that nothing happened by accident and that God was there through all the tough times, nudging me to stay and be present with my mom.
Brad: How has this perspective influenced your daily life?
Maureen: It impacted my attitude toward small inconveniences, even minor things like driving. I realized that it's often the little things we think we can handle that pile up and cause problems.
What People Misunderstand About 12-Step Programs
Brad: What do you think people misunderstand about 12-step programs?
Maureen: Many think meetings are cultish or too religious. But the book itself says we don't have a monopoly on recovery. If someone hasn't found recovery elsewhere, these steps can help. The meetings require working the steps, not just attendance, for genuine peace. Unlike cults, 12-step programs bring people back to family, friends, and society. Like any group, there's special language, but it's not about coercion. People are welcome regardless of relapse history.
The Role of Service in Staying Clean
Brad: What role does service play in staying clean?
Maureen: Helping others is mutually beneficial. Being of service brings me joy I can't create alone. Whether helping addicts or the community, it's meaningful. I stay involved with the recovery community through treatment center work, meetings, and other services like Meals on Wheels. It keeps me busy in a positive way.
Final Thoughts
Brad: Sometimes people show up for a reason. You were one of those for me. I called you because I didn't understand software, but you helped me understand how to stay connected after prison with no judgment. I'm grateful for your time and help.
If you're resisting recovery due to the God part, meetings, or feeling too far gone, listen to Maureen: You don't have to understand everything on day one; you just have to become willing.